I've taken an unintended, and exceptionally long break from writing on my blog, or updating my business Facebook page, The Rad Bitch Girl Gang, and from coaching in general for pretty much the entirety of this year so far.
To be perfectly honest, part of that is procrastination, and another part of that is fear of not knowing how to put my thoughts into words that really make sense. But the biggest part of why, is that I've needed the space to process, to reflect, to heal and to learn.
On Christmas Eve, the abusive ex (who I've written and spoken about a number of times), the one I've had blocked on social media, sent a message to my business Facebook page. Despite the years of work I've put into recovering and managing my anxiety and depression, seeing this triggered what is by far the most crippling, re-traumatising panic attacks I've ever experienced.
I'm talking flashbacks, insomnia, inability to eat, rage, and constant fear, punctuated by hysterical crying. For the most part of a week, Jordan would sit beside me waiting and watching while I pushed food around in front of me, unable to eat due to the nausea churning in the pit of my stomach.
As I've written before, the anxiety, jaw clenching headaches, and sleep deprivation swelled into depression, and I've spent the more recent months working on rebuilding my sense of self. I've been working to find my confidence, get out in the world more, meet new people, and try new things. Having our Love Party to focus on, plan and work towards has really helped me with all of these endeavours - after all, meeting and booking photographers, celebrants, cake designers and venues would be extra challenging without leaving the house!
I've been sitting on all of this all year, wanting to not be so "in the middle of my feelings", not feeling sure if writing about it publicly was the right thing to do, and then not feeling sure how to write about it.
I've come to a point now where I actually feel much better for having given myself time and space to recover and reset, rather than trying to push my way through. I feel much better equipped to write about my experiences, and to share my thoughts it a way that is positive or at least useful.
So the point of this post is, if you need it, create all of the space and take all of the time you need to heal. It's perfectly okay, and sometimes necessary to take a step back and trust that when you're ready to share, the words will find you.
As for me, I'm looking forward to writing and sharing more openly and consistently now that I've found my words again.